The Keep, Ebon Askavi, Kaeleer, Friday Fandom time

[trigons_child]

Raven had been at the Keep for about a month now, and she mostly kept to herself, reading or meditating in the rooms that had been given to her. Mostly it was Philia's needs that would draw her outside, but only for a short time.

And she may very well have been getting her brood on in a serious way.

She felt like herself, mostly, but then again, she hadn't realized it when her brothers had infected her with their power. Wrath, Lust, Envy -- it was all so easy to see how each had affected her now, but in the moment it had felt so natural to her. Her brothers had been cunning enough to merely amplify her own emotions rather than force them upon her. That she surely would've felt, but not the more subtle nudge to her own true anger, lust, or jealousy.

Her skin wasn't crawling as much as it had been when she'd realized what had been going on, but she still felt uncertain, disgusted and displeased with herself for allowing it to happen. She'd endangered the people she cared for most. How did she make up for that? And how did she prevent it from happening again?

[For them that are coming to visit, and for great slowplay.]

Comments

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

"No, no, it was not something I did not want," Raven said quickly. "The desire was true, but I had not thought it appropriate to express it. What my brothers did was powerful, yet subtle. They amplified my own emotions. They did not force new ones upon me, for I am certain I would have sensed that. I am not certain just how long this was going on."

She shivered a little. She still felt sick and ashamed she'd been used in such a way, and worried that somehow it could happen again.

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

"However long it has been, Karla will see that it does not continue," Hannibal assured her. "She and Jaenelle are speaking now. I have no doubt that she will do whatever it may take to keep you safe. She cares for you a great deal."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

"It should not have happened in the first place," Raven said, voice tight as she struggled to hold in her pain and fear. "I should have realized what was happening. Yet my brothers used me like a puppet. Envy, Lust, Wrath...my emotions have been a toy for them. I have hurt those I love. And I killed with no remorse. I even enjoyed it."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

"You killed those who would harm Karla. Should you have felt remorse?" Hannibal asked gently.

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

"You know how I was raised," Raven said. "And though I have abandoned the ways of Azarath and come to learn that violence is sometimes necessary...look what I have become. To murder without thought of consequence, and to take pride in it? I endangered Karla, I endangered children, I created so much more work for Jono. I am supposed to be a healer!"

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

"So am I," Hannibal answered. "So is Karla. And Jaenelle, too. Do you judge any of us for doing what needs to be done?"

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

"No, not when it needs to be done," Raven said, shaking her head. She didn't judge Jaenelle for Agio. She'd killed so many, but she'd also saved lives, including Raven's own.

"But you are not like me -- with dangerous urges and hungers to color your judgement," she said. "I enjoyed making those who ran the Hintergrove Orphanage suffer. I told you, my brothers did not create emotions within me. They worked with what was already there. And so I endangered more children. The fate of those who may have been found and rescued is now my fault."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

Hannibal smiled. "Every person has urges and hungers, and every one may be dangerous from time to time. You saved the children that were there. The others - I informed the authorities anonymously. They did nothing. Is their fate now my fault for not choosing a more direct method?"

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

"Were you or they able to find more information about where other children might be?" Raven asked hopefully. "Jono said...if there were more children out there, I had made it harder to find them. Or the ones who would hurt them. I did not even consider that at the time. There was only my Wrath. And then...and then Lust."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

"I believe Jono has found some of them, yes. You likely did make it more difficult, but it's in the past. All you can do is make what amends you can and do your best not to let it happen again."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

Raven nodded. "I want that very much. I wish to undo all the damage I have done."

She wiped a hand across her eyes. "You know how I dream of harming those I care for. This was those dreams coming true."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

"This was you being vulnerable and making poorly influenced decisions," Hannibal said. "What could you have done differently? What will you do now?"

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

"I do not know," Raven said.

She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. "I think I would sense another attempt by my brothers to attack my emotions, but how can I be sure if I did not sense this assault? And even if Jaenelle and Karla are certain I am free of their influence, I am not sure I can shed this doubt. How long were they affecting me? What feelings are mine, and what did they create? I feel so...lost."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

"If you are free of their influence now, any feelings left are your own," Hannibal said. He reached to put a hand on her shoulder. "Take some time. Reflect upon them, meditate if it helps. Determine how you feel about things now."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

"If," Raven repeated, scared and defeated. "If. I do not know if I can every truly be free. I am a demon. I was born to raze worlds and see people bow before me. I have long tried to deny that part of myself, even though I know I cannot."

She blinked back tears. "In times like this before, I have run, hoping to protect my friends that way. I know it has proven foolish in the past, but still, I cannot help but feel as if I should do so again now." It had taken a lot to resist that instinct, though the Keep almost counted, isolated as she was.

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

"None of your friends would thank you for running," Hannibal said, "any more than they would thank you for razing their worlds. But between the two there are an infinite number of possibilities. You must decide not what you fear or what your instinct is, but what it is you want."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

Raven didn't even have to think long on that. "I want my friends to be safe and healthy," she said. "I want to use my gifts to heal and protect. I want the children of Glacia to know love and comfort."

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[sharp_as_knives]

"Then think on what you can do to best achieve that," Hannibal advised.

Re: Before Karla arrives...

[trigons_child]

"I do not know if I can say anymore," Raven said, shaking her head.