The Preserve, Saturday Afternoon

[trigons_child]

It was a pleasant enough day, and Raven found it hard to meditate in the cabins due to the noise and close quarters, so she took Professor Skywalker's advice and decided to explore the Preserve. She found a peaceful clearing and settled in the middle of it, breathing in the scent of the woods and the incense she lit. Closing her eyes, she let herself drift into a trance. The shadow raven form of her Soul-Self rose from her body and into the air, soaring about the trees.

[ooc: open if you happen to be wandering the area (or you could spot the giant raven form in the sky and follow it back toward her)]

Comments

[trigons_child]

"No, not that," Raven said quickly. "Trigon is part of me. And when I dream, he is able to use our bond to communicate with me. Professor Skywalker is helping me learn to shield myself when I sleep."

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

"Oh." Oh, that had to suck, to be connected to something-- someone-- that scary and evil. She gave Rachel a worried look. "How are you doing with that? You seem mostly okay..?"

[trigons_child]

"My lessons with Professor Skywalker have been invaluable," Raven said. "He has helped me strengthen my shielding to keep others' emotions from affecting me so strongly. Joan has been trying to convince me to relax and enjoy life, that I do not have to be so fearful of my father's blood, but it is hard for me to do so."

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

Dinah nodded slowly, thinking. "Why would being happy, or having fun, let him in further? I wouldn't think something like that would have anything to do with it."

[trigons_child]

"Azar believed that any emotion would be a gateway for Trigon to take me," Raven said. "I could not be allowed to know love or hate or sorrow. Even emotions considered good may be corrupted and turned bad. I may taste them in others, but if I embrace those emotions myself, my father can use them to control me." She dropped her gaze, finding the ground fascinating as she struggled to control her sorrow and her tears. "It...hurts sometimes, to want what I cannot have. I would like to know love, but...."

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

"Aw, Rachel." That sucked. And wasn't fair. Dinah had no idea if it was true or not; Azar had to know more than she did about how to deal with terrifying demon guys. But still, it left the other girl so alone. She reached out tentatively, to stroke Rachel's hair if she'd let her, confused and unsure of what to do. "I'm sorry. That's really, really rough." Impossibly rough.

[trigons_child]

The contact gave Raven some comfort she could not find within herself, and she did not shrink away. "It is my fate, and I must accept it," she said, almost mechanically. "Do I dare risk testing Azar's warnings?"

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

"What was Azar basing this on? Experience with Trigon? Or other beings like him?" Dinah bit her lip, and pushed Rachel's hair back a little to look at the other girl. "And, and. I'd think a convent, or something, would work for not feeling. But not this place. Well. Except it does have the right kind of teachers."

[trigons_child]

"Trigon is tied to Azarath," Raven said quietly. "He is a creature of emotions of the darkest kind. My mother tried to kill herself before I was born, but Azar had her brought to Azarath so she -- and I -- could be protected, and then trained to resist Trigon. There were those who did not agree with Azar, and when I was born, one tried to cast me into the void, breaking all the laws of Azarath."

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

"Tied to," Dinah said, trying to figure out the implications there. "Okay, so! Darkest kind. I can see how being emotion free would mean less risk, but maybe what you've got to avoid is the dark stuff. Keep meditating and practicing and yeah, happy and good and peaceful stuff-- how easy is that to corrupt, really?"

At the other part of Rachel's explanation, Dinah sighed. "I'm sorry. God, that's ... what happened to that guy?" Killing a baby. Jeez. Way to go with going evil.

[trigons_child]

"My father killed him," Raven said. "When Juris opened the Great Door to cast me away, a blood-red light came through the door and destroyed him, but left me unharmed."

Considering the rest of Dinah's words, she worried at her lip. "It is tempting to believe I can experience joy and love safely, but what is joy without sorrow or love without hate? They come hand in hand."

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

Note to self: Trigon is hard-core.

"No they don't," Dinah said, shaking her head and frowning. "Hate takes attention. It takes focus." She thought of her own feelings of Al Hawke, and the Joker, and Harley Quinn. "I'm not saying they might not happen because you care about someone, and they get hurt or lost to you. But... honestly, that convent is your only option there if you want to never get angry or scared or sad, I think. And even then, stuff can happen. And sorrow." She reached out for Rachel's hand, putting up her own shields hard. "Look. It hurts. It can be ugly. Really ugly. But normal humans get past it. You can too. But the worst of stuff-- the worst things you can feel-- you can be in control of that." She was quiet, then said, slightly embarrassed, "I really believe this. Maybe your dad is feeding off your fear of him, too, you think?"

[trigons_child]

"I am only half-human," Raven said. She squeezed Dinah's hand. "I want to feel this. I want to feel everything. But I have been taught since I was old enough to understand that it would be dangerous. I do not know that I can simply abandon my training. Although...last week, Joan brought me on a 'Girls Night Out,' and she pointed out that I was able to enjoy myself, and the world did not end."

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

"See?" Dinah shook her head. "I don't want to underestimate how dangerous your father is. And I'd bet Professor Skywalker has a lot better idea of how to keep him away from you. But... envy, and depression, those are ugly emotions too. You already experience feelings, Rachel. Unless there's some way to just amputate them, I think you owe it to yourself to see what you can handle." She squeezed Rachel's hand back, and sent as much reassurance and confidence and hope as she could. "Maybe you can't be like other girls. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You've done okay so far."

[trigons_child]

"I do experience them," Raven admitted. "But I fight against them and try to bury them as best I can. It is impossible to not feel anything, particularly for an empath such as I. I am meant to thrive on emotions, and to deny them is torture." Perhaps Azar had been wrong, and it was not necessary to completely disconnect herself.

"I should discuss this with Professor Skywalker," she went on. "If he believes it is safe, perhaps I can allow myself to feel and express some emotion."

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

"He'd be a way better expert than me," Dinah agreed immediately. "I don't know. Burying emotions, don't they just come back later? I'm no mystic, or psychologist, and maybe it is different for you." With no idea how strong a hold Trigon had on Rachel, or how well all that early training took, Dinah didn't want to give her any false ideas. "But control, that seems less likely to blow up in your face than denial." She bit her lip. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

[trigons_child]

"I do not know," Raven said. "Perhaps...if I decide to try this, to express my feelings, you will watch me to make certain I am not behaving badly? Or in any way that may seem is not myself?"

[blondecanary.livejournal.com]

"Sure," Dinah said instantly. "No problem. And if you want me to talk to Professor Skywalker about it first, I'm good with that. Just let me know if he wants to talk to me about stuff to look for." She smiled a little. "I know you can do this other stuff, the soul-form and all, so if it can be done, I think you'll manage this."

[trigons_child]

Raven nodded. "I will mention this conversation to him at our next meeting. He has helped me a great deal so far, as I have said, and I trust his judgment."