trigons_child | Somewhere Betwixt Life and Death.....

Current Mood: confused

Entry tags:

Somewhere Betwixt Life and Death.....

Two days before, Raven's soul had been ripped from her body and replaced with her father's essence. Hours ago, her physical body had been killed, and not long after that, it had been consumed by the power that had destroyed her father. Now all that was left was her spirit, purified and free.

Just as she was aware of what both her physical body and her Soul-Self experienced when she separated them, she knew fully well what she'd done to her friends, and her heart broke from the guilt and grief. She was confused now, unsure of where to go or what to do. Azar had never prepared her for this.

[NFB. For that goth chick! Warning for sensitive subject matter, namely character kinda-sorta death.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"So," Death told her calmly -- dressed as she'd always been in Fandom, but looking subtly older and paler -- "this is kind of awkward, but I'm not here to do the whole taking your hand thing."

There was compassion in her eyes as she looked at Raven, but it was a distant kind of compassion. This was Endless to mortal, not student to student.

"But ... I think you might need a friend. Maybe."

Raven was confused for a moment, fighting through her grief over what she'd done and what she'd lost. "Didi?" she said.

No, Death, but it was somehow more comforting to call her by the name she'd long known her by.

"If you like." Didi was easier to take than Lady Death, anyhow, and what was a name? "I mean, this isn't ... official. Really official. But it felt like a good time to say hello."

She glanced Raven over. "That wasn't your fault."

Raven closed her eyes against her tears, but that didn't hold them back. "I hurt them," she said. "The people dearest to my heart" -- and, well, Emma and Max -- "and I took their fears and sorrows and used them against them."

She didn't have a physical body anymore, but the guilt made it feel like she had a heart to twist and a throat to clench up.

"Mmmm-hmm." Death sounded not terribly impressed as she passed Raven a black handkerchief with a lace hem. "That wasn't you. I mean, in an absolute, 100 percent, technical sense, it was -- but you were being manipulated just as much as that witch was. If you don't blame Tara, you can't blame yourself."

"Tara?" Raven took the handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes, trying to swallow her sorrow. "Azar was with her. I sensed it, but I didn't understand until it was too late. And she only did what she had to do to stop me. This is not her fault, any more than it is the fault of any of the others."

Oh, Azar, Jono.

"And it's not your fault either," Death said, stubborn but still with a sweetness. "Trigon ... is getting his reward. But would you ever, if you lived a thousand years, choose to twist people in that way? Because, Raven. I don't see it in you. And I can tell."

"I did not wish to hurt them," Raven said, shaking her head. "I did not wish to hurt any of them. I was going to run away, leave Fandom to protect them from myself. I should have fled much sooner."

But they still would have followed her.

"I am dead now, am I not?" she said quietly. "But if you are not here 'officially,' then why? Is it...because of Jono?" And there was guilt of a different kind.

"You should have told them what was going on and let them figure out what to do, but that's in the past," Death answered, a little bit stern. "And no. It's not about Jono."

She was happy to know Raven made him happy, but she was a little past boy-girl stuff. She wasn't precisely over Jono; it was more that she couldn't let herself dwell on something like that. Not if she wanted to do her job.

Sitting down, she said, "I'm here because you aren't done down on Earth, and I wanted you to know so you can ... maybe figure a few things out. Maybe just treat this as a vacation." She shrugged a little. "i would want to know."

"I have no body," Raven said. As far as she knew, her physical being had completely vaporized. "I cannot go back like this, can I? Would they even be able to see me? Or touch me?"

The thought of being able to see her friends again brought her some peace; she could apologize to them, beg their forgiveness for what she'd done. But if she could never touch them again...she wasn't sure she could bear that.

That was a set of questions Death couldn't answer, not without revealing more of the future than was within her realm.

"I can't go into that. But you aren't entirely human," she said in the end. "Why would human rules apply to you this time?"

"I am also part demon," Raven murmured, "though that is not something that gives me any solace. If that is what keeps me from truly passing into the afterlife, then I do not want it. I deserve to be dead after what I have done."

"Then maybe that's why you aren't ready to move on," Death said. "I don't come just because someone really wants me. I couldn't. I come when it's time. I'm not a genius or a philosopher, but I know it's not time for you just yet."

She looked almost sad as she added, "You're getting a second chance. You'll be able to try to make it right with your friends. Do you have any idea how many people die begging for that?"

Raven flinched. "I am sorry," she said softly. "If I could have brought you -- if I could have brought Didi back, I would have." Even if it would have cost her everything she'd shared with Jono since then.

"I just do not understand," she went on. "I do not know why I have any sort of second chance, or what to do now or how to use it. Everything feels so far away now. I think I am starting to forget."

"I'm glad you didn't," Death answered candidly, although with some regret. "I'm not sure what would happen, if I tried too hard to stay. I don't think I want to find out."

She shook her head. "Anyhow. Forgetting is ... probably part of healing. Sometimes. I wish I could give you an instructions sheet or something for what to do until you go back, but there isn't one. You'll figure it out, though. I know that much."

"What if...what if they do not want me back?" Raven said, ducking her head. She knew it was an irrational fear, but it was still a fear. Even if they understood it was her body but not her soul that hurt them, she would still be a reminder of the fears she'd forced them to experience, fears that had corrupted their own bodies and souls before they'd killed her.

"Then you start over," Death said, as if it were easy. "You find a new school, or a job. You build a new life."

She rested her chin on a fist. "But do you really think they'll give up on you that fast? Even Karla?"

[OOC: NIGHT.]

"I am not certain I would want to start over," Raven said. She couldn't imagine life without Karla or Jono or Anakin or the others. And she certainly didn't want to think they'd give up on her, but....

"I hurt them all so badly," she said. She kept coming back to that, much as she wanted to forget all she'd done. Bits and pieces of the nightmares flashed through her mind, a confused jumble of images, but some things stood out. "I forced Jono to say he loved me when he does not," she said. "I used you to hurt him."

She was dead; she didn't need to breath. So why did it feel like she was about to hyperventilate?

[Night! <3 ]

"It's an easy place to hit at," Death said, after the tiniest fraction of a pause. (Officially, she was above it all. Unofficially .... well, Didi hadn't been gone that long.) "I don't like what you did, but people have done worse to him for less reason. I think the one thing they wouldn't forgive, because they couldn't, would be if you never came back."

"Besides," she added, "you don't get a choice about going back to the world of the living, so dreading it is .... really not going to help you."

Part of her wanted to scream that she never had a choice about anything, an unconscious parallel of her mother's own words after she'd died. She didn't have a choice about what she was or how she was raised or becoming a slave to her father or dying, but it would be a lie to say she never had a choice. She'd chosen to embrace her emotions, and while she'd never decided to love Jono or Karla or any of her friends, she had chosen to act upon it.

Choosing to live right now, however, wasn't something she wanted to do.

"I cannot," she said pathetically, wrapping her arms around herself. "I cannot go back. They are better off without me now." She didn't entirely believe that, either; that was her own fear and insecurity talking.

"That's not true," Death said, wrapping an arm around her legs. "But I'm really not good at helping with the self-pity thing. I said what I can tell you for now. The rest of it? That's up to you."

"I am sorry," Raven said, closing her eyes and reining her emotions in. "I am feeling sorry for myself. I should not."

She wiped the handkerchief across her eyes. "Are they...are they all safe? Are they home? I cannot feel them anymore." She'd had some vague sense of them when her spirit had been trapped in Azar's rings, and her Trigon-possessed body had wormed her power into their heads, of course. But once her body had been destroyed and her spirit had come wherever this was, she'd lost all sense of them.

"They've had better days," Death answered, honestly, irritated edge gone from her voice. "But physically, they're fine and at home. They'll make it back. It's just raw."

Raven nodded, though the thought send fresh pangs of guilt through her. She had hurt them, and she was still hurting them now, but she kept it to herself, not wanting to irritate Didi...Death...further.

"Thank you," she said, looking up again. "For coming here to me, especially since you did not have to. I have missed you, and I have been afraid you would hate me now."

She didn't want to rub any metaphorical salt, but she wanted to get this much off her chest. When would she ever have the opportunity again.

Death sighed, and Didi was looking through her eyes. "Look, if we have to talk about that, it's not like it was the shocker of all time that you wanted him, and staying away because it made you feel bad wouldn't help anybody. I don't hate you. But I'm always flattered to be missed."

"He still loves you," Raven said quietly. "I do love him, but he does not love me." And probably never would now after what she'd done to him.

She shrugged a little, feeling shy and awkward. She was, after all, still just a teenage girl, talking to her boyfriend's former girlfriend, part of her at least. "I know Didi is gone, but I thought you should know that. I could never replace you in his heart, nor have I tried. I have wished for his love, yes, but never at the cost of his memories of you. Those are precious."

"I wish he did love you," Death answered, rather firmly shutting off Didi's pettiness. "Love is an amazing thing. He should have it in his life. He has another couple decades to go. Remembering a girl he knew in high school ... it's not going to do him much good."

She reached for Raven's hand. "See? That's why you have to get back. So you can remind him people care."

"Perhaps some day, if I go back," Raven said, but she didn't sound terribly convinced of that now. She still wasn't sure what she should do, or even what to do if she decided she wanted to go back.

She squeezed Death's hand and forced a small smile. "He should have it. He deserves it. But I must disagree that remembering you will do him no good. You made him very happy, and he should never forget that. Never."

Death was going to indulge in a slight, fleeting feeling of victory at getting Raven to smile, even if she could tell the girl's heart wasn't in it.

"If he does," she said, "if it gets to be a far-away thing he doesn't think about ... it would only be human."

"But," she added as she rose to her feet, "this is pretty far from why I came to find you, isn't it?"

Raven was a master at changing the subject.

"I still do not know what to do," she said. "I think I want to go back, but I do not know how. And I am afraid." Of being hurt, of being rejected, of facing what she'd done, pick one.

"I think that when the time comes, you'll just know," Death answered. "I can't tell you not to be afraid. I would be afraid. But ... it'll come together. Just wait."

"Thank you," Raven murmured. "It is good to have hope." Even if she still didn't think she deserved it. She didn't want to be dead -- no offense to her current visitor -- but better that than alive and hurting those she loved.

"Do you know how long?" she had to ask.

"More than an hour," Death answered. "Less than a hundred years."

She fluffed out her hair. "I'm not just being a brat, Raven. The Endless aren't oracles. Does it matter? I don't think time here is exactly the same as time on Earth, anyhow."

"I suspect not," Raven said, nodding. "I just do not want to forget." Or have them forget her.

"Though forgetting some of it is tempting," she had to admit.

"Yeah, I see why you wouldn't want it all in your head," Death said lightly, thoughtfully. "I don't think you'll forget, though. Not entirely, anyhow."

"What do I do until then?" Raven said, biting at her lip. "Just....be?"

Rehearse her apologies. Dream of forgiveness. Pray to Azar they didn't hate her.

"Being sounds like a plan," Death agreed. "Rest. Meditate. There aren't exactly going to be a lot of distractions."

"It does feel very peaceful here," Raven said. Wherever here was. "I cannot hear my father anymore; he is gone now. And I do not feel any pain." She could definitely get used to both of those. A moment of pain when she healed someone was of little concern to her, but her recent inability to purge it had weakened her to her father's will.

"That;s good," Death encouraged. "That's what you need. I ... can come check on you again, maybe. If you want."

She hadn't meant to make that offer, but what she had to give was friendship, and she was willing to pass it along.

"I would not mind that," Raven said with a more genuine smile now. "In Azarath I was accustomed to being alone most of the time, but since I have come to Fandom I have enjoyed having friends around me, and I do not wish to be lonely."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Somewhere Betwixt Life and Death.....

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject